WTF is 'the Authentic Self' Anyway?

Carlen Costa  0:01  
Hey, spicy babes. I'm Carlin Costa and this is the spicy fat Podcast. Today, you know, let's just kind of like talk and hang out, I want to talk about some stuff that I've been like seeing in my private practice as a psychotherapist. And just I wanted to reflect with you a little bit on my journey. If you're watching this video, you'll see it on YouTube. I have this money tree sitting on my desk. In my new mental health and therapy center. I call mothership London. Okay, that's a pretty big money tree. And I was staring at it while preparing for today's episode. It's almost two feet tall now. And it has branches on branches on leaves extending from it, there are two trees growing together, wrapping around one another in a seemingly perfect harmony. Neither is taking up more space than needed. And both of their trunks are thick and strong. I actually bought this tree a year ago, but when I did, it was only six inches tall. And one of those little trees on it was actually looking like it was about to give up like it was just like I don't want to do life anymore, I don't think and the other little tree, their leaves were really damaged. I looked at it at my local plant shop and found it on the discount rack. I picked it up and decided that I wanted to give it a new home. And today, I noticed that two new leaves are sprouting from it. Joining the other 20 leaf blooms in a perfect full fan. And wow, I thought to myself, when I bought this plant, its state of living resonated with me, you know, the leaves were damaged, it looked like it was maybe going to give up, you know, I kind of felt that way about myself, I had just changed my life. Again, I had just moved again. And I was feeling uncertain about my future, a little rough around the edges, not really wanting to be seen having transitioned many relationships as a fall out of the pandemic, and feeling a little discarded by those who were supposed to love me. I had put myself and my potential on a discount rack. I knew I was doing this, you know, I knew I had put some parts of myself on hold. Because in some of my periodic hyper arousal states, those bursts, you know, those bursts in between, I can't do anything. And I really need everyone to leave me alone, I would try to do something or start a project or create work that reminded me of my most recent version of myself. The version of myself that I have lived in are familiar to me. You know, I tried to put on a couple workshops like I used to do. I tried doing some fun things like I used to do, and everything either fell flat, or didn't feel good at all. What the fuck am I doing? I thought to myself at that time, I was like, What the fuck am I doing here. And if you've read my book, Love A Woman's Guide to not fucking settling, then you're familiar with my mindset when I find myself sitting on my kitchen floor with a joint in one hand, and a cute as fuck dog in the other. I'm not hopeless in these moments, but rather uncertain. Because for me, feeling unsure or uncertain is a discomfort in my body and in my mind that I really dislike. I was a parental FIDE child with emotionally absent parents. So this means that I'm really fucking used to doing things on my own. In fact, I've been making my own lunch since I was six years old. I went from making PB and J sandwiches for myself to lunch and meat with ketchup for my sister. I was 678. Like that's all I had capacity for. So if you're weirded out by that, remember that it was the late 80s and the early 90s. I was sick and my skill for food prep wasn't exactly developed yet. But when you learn to feed yourself, you also learn that everything you nourish yourself with becomes your responsibility to manage. I also learned in that time that every bad decision, or one with unintended consequences I made are my responsibility to Except, but not for the accountability of others, but rather for the ownership for myself, because at least it was me making those decisions. Certain types of childhood chaos breeds a need for autonomy, especially when what and whom were supposed to be safe and keep us safe. Didn't maybe you'd call this the development of an avoidant attachment. But I call it survival. My need for autonomy and independence has actually born a ferocious ability to bet on myself. Irregardless of the outcome. I've been feeding myself since I was six, there isn't anyone who is going to take food out of my mouth, you know, I quickly learned that whatever I needed or wanted in this world, I only had myself to depend on to make it happen. And you know what? That sentiment has fed my neurodivergent mind really well. I became a jack of all trades, and a master at some. But when you learn how to depend on yourself, and to trust yourself, you hopefully also let yourself become curious about what your limits and capacity are. So you learn how to take care of yourself in the best way that you can. But there I was, on my kitchen floor again. The first time when I kicked out the man I thought I was going to marry was the first time I found myself on the kitchen floor. It's the story that I wrote about in my book Love. The second time I found myself on my kitchen floor in a similar scenario was after my sexual assault. And now I found myself there again, after having moved eight times in 10 years, and not having a clue in the world what I wanted for in my life. Have I become my own worst enemy. I thought this to myself as I've been grieving my uncertainty. I mean, I have a new boyfriend who I love immensely, but have been terrified of imprinting him with my pain. I have a thriving private practice with incredible clients who are shifting, growing and learning to love themselves and others better. I have a smaller group of friends now. But the love is fierce.

I have a small backyard. And big boundaries set like the Great Wall. Life was seemingly pretty good. But it didn't feel complete. Or real or ready or something it's like it's like missing some flavor, you know, a big person for flavor. That's why this podcast is called spicy fat. It's not only about my neurodivergent mind, and a reflection and a reclamation of my body. But it's also because the stuff I want us to talk about will fill you full of flavor will be delicious morsels of reflection, you know, there's this space of transition from one chapter of our lives into the other that I often talk to my clients about, and I call it liminal space. liminal space is the uncertain transition between where you've been and where you're going physically, emotionally and spiritually. To be in a liminal space means to be on the precipice of something new but not quite there yet. And this space may evoke feelings of eeriness or discomfort, they are not meant for staying, but rather for passing through. So think empty parking lots at night, hallways, stairways, and abandoned malls, all liminal spaces, but our lives also have liminal spaces. It's the time spent between one certainty to another and the discomfort though the discomfort the discomfort is really real. So much so that we tend to discredit or raged through many of these days because we just want things to make sense again. You know, we just want things to get to where we are going already. You want to just be there already. You know, I know you can relate to that feeling. And as a neuro Spice Girl, patients my loves Oh, Patience isn't necessarily my virtue, or my skill set, you know. But it's a skill I work really hard at daily. So if things don't make sense, it's very frustrating to me. But what I'm asking you to reflect on is, how do you work within your own liminal spaces, and maybe you're in one right now, the good thing is, is that if you let yourself unravel from who you think you should be, and start allowing the next version of you to be revealed, you work through liminality and observe it with gratitude for the ease, it actually is. Because liminal space isn't supposed to be hard. That's been my new lesson, to be patient with the in between time. So that's what I've been trying to learn. That's what I was trying to learn. As I sat on that kitchen floor for a third time, learning how to be a little bit more patient, learning how to be a little bit more accepting that I don't know where I'm going yet. But that's also okay. So at that time, I stopped working out like I had been, and embraced moving like I need to, I stopped eating like everyone told me to, and started learning what my body looks like when it's hungry, and listening to it without judgment or criticism, or listening to how it speaks. When it is craving, I stopped fucking for everyone else, and started relearning the new tempos of my pleasure. And I also stopped shitting all over myself. So here's a little mental health moment, though, if you're listening, okay, a little fun exercise that I'm going to invite all of my beautiful spicy babes here to practice and to try. If you're currently seeking more certainty, or assertion of self and your life, or feeling like people are misunderstanding you, or having you know, these big blow ups around communication, kind of want you to try this exercise. For one week, I want you to try and not use the word should tell all your friends that you're doing this high friends, tell your partner, tell your parents, right, tell everybody that you are working towards not using the word should and your life and let them call your call you out, let yourself call yourself out because that's the point. Authentic knowing is nurtured by making decisions and trusting that you regardless of the outcome, you got you. And that includes knowing when you need to ask for help. And if you say the word should, when I say it, I don't think I'm meaning what I say, like I should go to the gym, I should eat better. I should call my mom, but you don't? Or you do and then you feel guilty about it. What if you could shift that? What if you could start to learn the skill and embrace, not shutting all over yourself and starting to speak with a little bit more assertion, and a little bit more definition that reflects back to you how you're actually feeling. So try this exercise. And if you say the word should stop, pause, take a nice big deep breath and reword what you're saying to mean what you say. Try it. You might learn something about yourself, then send me a little message and tell me how it went. Because I want us to fast forward to today because here's me right now you're listening to me right now and the money tree. Now thriving on my desk after this money tree has been discarded, discounted and hiding in the hope of being seen is now in a glossy white clay pot with fresh soil crystals of Amethyst and Citrine and a mini mushroom statue. Okay, I myself am sitting in my new downtown mental health and wellness center that I self fund, feeling pretty good, proud of myself even in realizing that my new level of self acceptance and new potential is here. And I'm thinking to myself and I'm looking at this tree and I'm saying hey, look at us. Look at us. We figured it out. I wanted to share this with you today. because I hear a common narrative coming back into cycle with my clients, I think every therapist or practitioner can attest that very similar presentations or symptoms or patterns will come through and waves, like when it rains or pours types of thing. So what's the presentation that I'm seeing amongst my clients right now? That's a desire to find my authentic self. And in my opinion, that statement is a way that we have convinced ourselves. Or rather, it's a determined disillusionment, routing as the plague of the Self Help section. It's a grift, that feeds on the shame cycle of the human condition, meaning that sometimes we feel shame, and it's vulnerable. And that's okay. Because emotions are meant to be felt. Because I don't know if you knew this, but there's a hierarchy to emotions. Some emotions are not better than or more powerful than the other, that binary BS isn't real. There isn't an emotion that is better, or more needed, or more wanted than the other. The point is, we are meant to be in relationship with each of our emotions, not deny or dismiss that they exist, because they're hard or uncomfortable. Okay, but how does this relate to wanting to find my authentic self? Isn't that a good thing? Carlin? Like, you know, you're probably listening and be like, I thought finding my authentic self was a good thing. Well, let me tell you, it depends. And ask you, how much are you willing to discredit who you are now, who you've been, and who you've needed to be. That's how we know whether this is a grift of authenticity. Or maybe just a desire for something new. Because I have this incredibly warm and vibrant client who is in the middle of figuring out herself, okay, as are many people who come to therapy. Therapy is where you get to say all the ugly things and have all the ugly cries and be witness with compassionate capacity. Okay, so we begin the session, and she's talking about all the ways she's learning how to heal and help herself after overcoming a pretty big hand at life. And it was such a big handout life, that it gave her the gift of disembodiment and PTSD. So in session, she turns to me and she says, Carolyn, I just want to find my authentic self. Okay, I nodded, you know.

However, if you're watching this video, or if you know me at all, I have a very animated face, even as a therapist, okay, some people love it, and some people not so much. That's okay, I am a flavor. And I am not meant to be part of everybody's taste buds. All right. But in that moment, my face instantly showed that it was perplexed. So she turned to me. She said, Okay, Carla, what are you? What are you thinking? Because you're giving me you're giving me some face there. And I said to her, why are you searching for something that you already are? Now, it was her turn to give me protection? You know, I don't know if protection is a word, but we're rolling with a team. Okay. I don't understand what you mean, she retorted. So I said to her, I said, well, like you're real, right? Like, you're here sitting with me talking to me about all of the hard stuff that you have experienced in your life and how you survived it. You're a fucking warrior. And I know that the body can freeze fun, or dissociate in order to protect itself. But why aren't those responses considered authentic to you? I know they're uncomfortable. I know, we wish they didn't happen. I know they aren't ideal, but they are very real and genuine responses from your body, your nervous system, heck, from like you to you. The way you respond to your pain was and it is authentic. You are already authentic. So what exactly are you looking for? You know, there's lots of ways that people make money, okay. And feeding you your own fears is one of them. Don't eat bananas. It's too much sugar and you'll die. Don't have sex on the first date. It's going to send the wrong impression and you'll die. Lose Weight look great and get the man of yours. Dreams before you die, you can all catch the grift What a shitty way to mismanage someone's emotions and take advantage of vulnerability. The front page of this story reads more like reveal your authentic self. Take this class to be more of your authentic self. Or find your authentic self today. Friend, listen, look in the fucking mirror. Right now, wherever you are, look in the fucking mirror. Do you see her? Do you see that wonderful person looking back at you. That's your authentic self. She's real. She's right there. She might not be living a chapter you're enjoying. But she's making choices about her money, honey, unhealth that only she gets to make, whether you choose to accept that or not. And convincing you that you are not you is a journey rooted on making money from your shame. It's essentially saying you're not good enough. So here's how to make you better. Or everything that you do love and touch isn't real. It doesn't mean anything up until you learn my five steps to revealing your authentic self. It feels as if my life when I read these things. When I read these grifting opportunities. It feels as if my life, my survival, my efforts, my tears, my blood, my pain, my joy, or my orgasms weren't authentic or genuine, this whole time selling me that implies that the life I am and have been living. And all of those experiences are also not real or worthy of value, at least not enough to be recognized as a state of emotionality that we ever want to be in, you know, because here's the problem is that authenticity is not just about when we feel happy or powerful, or when life feels like it's taken a step that makes a little more sense, implying that people aren't authentic, or aren't making choices, or having experiences that are very real, that they still have to do work to be their authentic selves, underestimates and undoes how very real dissociating freezing, or fawning actually is, with very real consequences like PTSD, and the exacerbation of mental health symptoms, because that's why, you know, we get scared when things get hard, uncomfortable, or too real for ourselves or for the people we love. We haven't normalized the hard stuff, taking up space, let alone the compassion for it. Instead, we try to limit our exposure, we hide away, we pretend it isn't happening. And we say things to other people, like you've changed, or I don't know you anymore. And then we wash our hands of knowing it and them any further. And that's also why too many meaningful relationships end because we don't make room for the tough stuff. How one of my dearest sister relationships ended after 20 years, because I said out loud with bravery and I'm gonna claim that bravery. I said, Life is hard. And she said, Well, you've changed. we perpetuate negatively defining people by their behaviors, rather than their hearts and intentions. And that negative and positive or good and bad emotions exist in a binary and that everything that you are and how you've needed to feel about it isn't real enough or good enough or good vibes enough. Fuck I hate that saying okay, I hate the saying good vibes only. It is such an emotionally bypassing statement that nurtures fear and hiding rather than acceptance and real. So, how do we undo this? How do we start accepting that the version I am today is authentic, even if I have the desire to live and love differently? Well, the first step to loving yourself better is to name everything that you are and own it. Know your sparkle. That's your authentic self. Like here's the exercise. Here's the love work for you may Get an actual list on one side, put all the sparkles of you, and on the other, put all your shit. Be honest, no one else is going to look at this list, okay? But you then look at the list and see yourself. But also appreciate yourself. Lean into understanding why you show up this way. Then ask yourself is this who I want to continue to be? Because from there we can take steps to shift, change, learn and grow, how to do it differently with skills, support, and patience. Because moving into your future, and through everything from your past, are all just versions of you that you have chosen to become. Life is a choose your own adventure, in case you haven't picked that up yet. And if you hear anything about today's conversation, I hope you hear that you get to decide what character you become in every chapter of it. And all of those characters, all of those different recipes of parts of you coming together at different times in your life. All of those are authentically you. And what you are today is just the reflection of the parts of you that you are presently choosing to have a relationship with. So let's grow spicy babes. And speaking of growing next episode is all about growing and glowing with plants though and mental health because in case you didn't know one of the hats I wear is as a psychedelic assisted psychotherapist, which means I have some big love for the power of plant medicine and psychedelics for mental health. Next episode, I have an incredible guest who's going to dive deep in with me into the cannabis and psilocybin psychedelic world. I am so excited for you to meet this wonderful human and I'm really looking forward to sharing some neurodivergent specific information especially and how both cannabis and mushrooms can support your mental health and incredible authentic ways. So stay spicy babes and I love you all versions of yeah