I Hate Being a Statistic

Carlen Costa  0:00  
Hey friends, it's Carlen here. In this episode, we do talk about the themes of sexual assault and violence, which I personally know can be distressing. So if you need resources or support, please head to the show notes for help lines and how to connect with a support center near you. Please look after yourself, and please take care of one another. Hey, I'm Carolyn Costa. I'm a psychotherapist, a sexologist, a best selling author and an international speaker. Today's topic is another one of those big heart stories. Not that every week has been a big hard story. But today, especially, you know, I think it's gonna make you feel some things that maybe you weren't expecting to feel. So before we get started, let's just like all take a nice, big breath. Okay, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Get here with me and our bodies. Okay, so the beginning of this episode is kind of funny, but not like funny. Haha, more like funny. Holy fuck my heart. Okay, I'm sitting and recording this episode, in a space that I call draft one of my new psychotherapy and psychedelic Wellness Center mothership London, and I'm not gonna lie to you, I love it here already. I am so excited for this chapter. It's been a long time coming. And even though I'm like, I'm physically exhausted. If you're watching this video, you'll you'll see it on my face. But my heart is so full right now. What's interesting is that as I've been reflecting on this huge professional achievement for myself, that I'm actually so fucking proud of. A part of me, though, is a little bit sad. Because this adventure was something I wanted to get going a few years ago. But I didn't. Rather I couldn't. And the reason I couldn't was because my body was in a complete freeze mode. I worked really hard, a couple of years ago, to not dissociate completely. But it's nearly impossible to some extent, when we experience really big traumas, some hard things really just required time. And the fading in the clarity of memories to feel like we can move on from them. Because while in that freeze mode, I felt like I needed to jump out of my skin, and out of everything that I was that for me looked like changing cities, and trying my hand at a whole new lifestyle. But spoiler alert, it didn't work. The reason I wanted to jump out of my skin, and it was feeling this need to have to like move and change was because at the age of 38, I was sexually assaulted while on a date with somebody I thought was my friend. So let's take another big fucking breath. Listen to my words. I'm okay. I promise you. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it took me a bunch of time to get here. Because that's what sexual assault does. It isn't just the acts and the memories that fuck you up. It's the impact of the derailment of your personal trajectory. It's like being on a train heading towards your destination. Then you blink and suddenly you're on a fucking ship headed to the North Pole. But you don't want to go to the North Pole because you're really flogging her up beyond that train heading towards your happiness. Have a fuck did I end up on the ship anyways? That's what it can feel like after the experience of sexual assault or violence. At least that's my experience. But it's definitely absolutely not the only way we do and can react to this deeply retching experience. And that's why alongside my pod house, the women in media network. Those of us who have capacity are reflecting in April, because April is sexual assault awareness month. So in this episode, I want to tell you a little bit about the statistics, some tools on how we can support ourselves and one another. But also today I'm going to share with you my story, one of my stories, but let's begin by talking about what is sexual assault. I may refer to sexual assault in this podcast as S A, just to not hear the trigger words over and over and over again for my own wellness and well being. So if you hear me say SA, I just can't say it all the time. All right. But according to the Canadian Women's Foundation, sexual assault refers to unwanted sexual activity, ie touching or kissing someone without consent, or even rape. Sexual harassment can include comments, behavior, and unwanted sexual contact. And it can take the form of jokes, threats and discriminatory remarks about someone's gender or sexuality and it can happen in person or online. In Canada, the rate of sexual assault victimization was more than five times higher among women than men. rates of sexual assault were higher, as well among the age groups of 15 to 24 years old, approximately 103 Women are assaulted per 1000. And then the second age group to experience it are those in the age of 25 to 34.

Speaker 1  6:50  
Black women face more systemic barriers when reporting sexual violence and engaging with the criminal justice system as victims of crime. First Nations, Inuit and maytee people in Canada are at an increased risk of violence. For example, a Canadian National Inquiry found that indigenous women and girls are 16 times more likely to be slain, or to disappear than white women. And I'm not sharing this, because, you know, I want to discredit the stories of white women. I'm sharing this because we are all women and gender diverse beings who are more susceptible or at an increased risk rather for this type of violence. And we need to know that because if your feminism isn't intersectional, than it isn't really feminism, is it because sexual assault and violence in this modern age also has different faces, increased risks amongst different cultures, different ethnicities, different types of women, whether that be black women, indigenous women, or even women with disabilities. And I want to share with you two types of essay that I think we need to discuss more because of the changing landscape of technology. And the first one is stealthing. I talked about this in a Tiktok. Actually, it did really well. There's a lot of questions around stealthing and a lot of women especially are people with with vulva, and vaginas don't actually even know that stealthing exists. So stealthing according to the laws in Canada for essay is the act of pretending to use a condom or removing one prior to sex without the partners consent. And that can violate the legal grounds for consensual sex men have been convicted of this act today in 2024 men have been convicted of selfing and if you are a friend has experienced this, please also take it very seriously and seek medical support from a trusted medical team and please get checked for STIs. The second type of modern essay I guess, that we will talk about that we need to talk about more is called non consensual distribution of intimate images or NCD i for short, in Canada, it is illegal a criminal offence for a person to knowingly publish, distribute, transmit, sell, make available or advertise an intimate image of a person where the person in that image did not give their consent. This means that if someone deliberately posts or sends a nude or sexual photo of you without your consent, they can be charged with a crime. So some examples include you sent a nude to a boyfriend on Snapchat, he takes a screenshot and sends it to other people. That's NC di, or an ex partner post sexual photos or videos of you on Facebook, or another popular social media website. That's NC di are a stranger you met online has access to intimate photos or videos of you, and then post them on a pornographic website. That's NC Di. Because with the nuanced and varied experiences of victims, I think it's safe to say that in coming years, the increasingly creative ways people are non consensually harming one another, you will start to see new language and laws that better reflect these transgressions. Because did you know that in Ontario alone, which is the Canadian province that I live in, there has been an 18% increase in reported sexual assaults every single year, since 2016. Not just like overall, in the past eight years, every single year, since 2016, there has been an 18% increase in reported sexual assaults. If you're looking for where I'm getting some of these statistics and some of this information, please head to the show notes. All of my work cited are always posted there. Whether you're watching this on YouTube, or listening to it on Spotify, check it out on my website spicy fat.com To gain access to these links and these statistics because part of this and in moving forward from this is that I actually really hate that my story makes me a part of this statistic. It's hard to say out loud that I'm a statistic I have seen and experienced a lot of fucked up shit in my life. And this wasn't one that you know I had on my like later in life life lessons bingo card, okay, like this was an IT, call it maybe my Neva tivity. Right. But when essays happen, we are usually only led into the stories about happening to young women. And I can attest to that. I mean, my recent experience wasn't my first taste of sexual subjugation. I'm a woman. Of course, I know what it feels like to have unwanted sexual advances or contact, make that a tick tock because I remember that this one time in my early 20s. For example, as one memory, I was walking to class in University of the small hill towards King's University College, and a man slowly pulled up to a stop sign at a side street and yelled something crossly sexual about my love handles and hips, my back was turned to them. But when I turned around, I remember seeing the car, but thankfully not the face. Because in my experience, when violent traumas happen, it's always the faces, they make that stick in your memory. And that's the part that can be really haunting. Maybe though it was really my self preservation. That also tried to convince myself that at almost 40, I was too old to be the victim of an essay. But that's just not the case. research based on violence against women's shelters and centers discuss how 39% of ever married women with a disability even or a disabling health problem reported physical or sexual assault by a partner over the course of their married lives, compared to 29% of the female population. Essay can happen to single women recently divorced women, but also married women and women in partnerships. But as a woman with ADHD, and for all of the other spicy and other abled hearts and minds listening to today's episode, I want you to remember that 40% of women with disabilities have been assaulted, sexually assaulted or abused in some way. And these researchers estimate that 83% of women with disabilities will be assaulted, sexually assaulted or abused in their lifetimes. The number of clients that I have have who are neurodivergent in some type of way, who are working through untangling and unraveling self gaslighting, even, that these experiences happen to them is too many, because they can happen if you're old, young midlife, any gender, albeit the incidence of frequency is among women and gender diverse individuals, because it can happen to anyone. And everyone. And it happened to me in a big way. So here's my story.

Speaker 1  15:45  
So I was kind of talking to a guy, you know, we had spent one time together, consensually never had been fun. We were friends, you know, we talked, we hung out in groups of people. We texted a lot. But eventually, something felt like it had changed. And it had felt like the conversations were more geared towards stringing me along. So I decided to confront the situation, because I was like, Alright, are we doing this? Are we not doing this? You know, I decided to make plans to hang out. Because I was like, let it we need to talk about what's going on here. Like is this flirty thing like what is happening here? You know, so I made it very clear when I contacted him multiple times in text message that I wasn't interested in having sex that night, and I wanted to talk about our dating potential. Although he had been explicit and leading messages, he agreed to my boundary. But as soon as I arrived at his house, I could feel that something was different. Almost as if he was like sulking or staying his distance on purpose. But we decided to watch a movie first and then talk. Like, okay, we can do this no problem. Except what also then felt weird, was that he sat on the opposite side of the couch. Weird. Again, I thought to myself, I thought we'd be cuddling at least a little. Instead, he put on what I now consider the worst movie ever, which is a star is born or whatever that Bradley Cooper and Gaga movie was, for the whole, three hours or four hours or however, agonizingly long that movie was he sang every single fucking song. And I'm not even a fan of musicals. Okay, I was there to like, hang out with my friend and maybe cuddle a little bit and have a conversation about our dating potential. The whole time though. He's sitting on the opposite side of the couch. I'm over here. I was thinking in the mind mind. Why the fuck are we watching this? Why would he pick the longest dumb ass movie ever? Because if at this point, if you've been listening to my podcast, fuck cottage cheese, but also fuck Bradley Cooper, you know, because when I reflect back, on that time on that date, I now know that he put on this agonizing long movie, because it was a move to get me tired. So that I would feel like I needed to sleep over. What he didn't expect, though, is that my defiance kicked in instead. And I was so over it. I'm not a musical fan. You know, like, I was like, this isn't even cute. Like, I'm not turned on at all. Let me let's just wrap this up and get to the talking part. But that movie was over and I was tired. And I was like, fuck it. I'm just gonna go home. But leading up to walking to the door together. I did decide to make an awkward attempt to chat about us and whatever that could mean. But then I noticed he kept deflecting, to really talk to me about it until we got all the way to the door. And he made a move to kiss me. I kiss him back. But then I felt his hands traveling. I pulled back and again made it clear that I wasn't interested in having sex with him that night. He went on and on about How much I turned him on, and how much he needed to have sex with me that night. He just needed to have sex. I was so angry and confused and then starting to feel heartbroken. Because I realized that this guy wasn't interested in knowing me, or really being friends with me. He was only interested in playing me. Cool. Another dud of a dude. You know, the plus side, though, was because we had slept together once before, at least I already knew I didn't like his dick. You know, there was no dick monetizing me happening here. Okay. I have to laugh. It's a trauma response, okay. walked to the door, and I went to go open the door, he immediately closed it. He proceeded to kiss me. Then he pinned me against the wall. Then he exposed his genitals to me. And at that moment, I went into survival mode. My brain immediately referenced every conversation I've ever had with other women, about what we would do if something like this ever happened to us a conversation every woman has had to have had. Yeah, and it's sad as fuck, that we have to have those safety conversations. But in that moment, that's not what I was thinking. In that moment, I was thinking I needed to get safe, and I need to get safe now. He was my height. But much, much stronger than me. He was a professional fighter. And I was scared. Like, I'm strong, but I'm not MMA fighter strong. And the only way my mind assessed minimal physical impact in those minutes of fear was to go back to those conversations that I've had with my friends and with my clients. In that moment, the safest thing that I could do was to play along, find my out and run. Because at that point, he had already taken my keys out of my hands and hidden them in his pullover zipper pocket. So for few minutes, I had to play along, because I couldn't leave. He was on top of me at this point. So what I did was I maneuvered my way on top, you know, maybe he would read that as an act of playful domination, even though I was cringing the whole time. So I let my hands travel and unzip his pocket. I grabbed my keys, and then immediately rushed to the door. I paused at the door in an attempt to open it and to take my breath, right, because doors aren't just open, I had to just open I took a breath and like open it. But in that moment, he came right up behind me and close the door again. But this time, I was over playing along. I yelled and told him to back the fuck up. And to stop touching me. His shocked to my voice allowed me to open the door and I ran straight to my car and drove frozen, stunned.

Unknown Speaker  23:54  
But I got home. I couldn't sleep immediately after that. But then I finally did get a couple hours of sleep.

Speaker 1  24:09  
But when I awoke there was a text message from him. And my heart sank into my gut. What could he possibly have to say to me? Well, he decided to start my day after that incident by letting me know that after reflection on his behalf, he wasn't interested in a relationship with me. I wasn't his type or something good enough to fuck but not good enough to love. So I told him to fuck off and to never contact me again. Or I would expose him for sexually assaulting me. And then I blocked him. My entire nervous system shook. Sorry, friends got to wipe some tears for a second Oh. After that hot summer night, I wasn't able to have sex or be intimate physically with anybody. For a year and a half. Me, me, no sex. None, not even desire. My arousal response was completely shocked. I was a fire breathing sex goddess, okay with a stolen Kundalini. And suddenly, I couldn't even think about sex anymore. It was heartbreaking really. I did my own work. After that, a part of that, you know, had to look like I had to leave my place for a second. This man was associated with people that I called friends, and spent a lot of time with. He stole from me. Those relationships, my power, my desire, and didn't even fucking care. But why didn't I report him? To be honest, I was so frozen in my body that I don't think I would have been able to. I also didn't really tell anyone until I did. And by then I was so dissociated that I had to emotionally move on to other parts of my life. You know, the hyper independent trauma response is both a superpower, but also a curse that can keep us from seeking the support or receiving the support that we deserve. But in fact, according to statistics, most sexual assaults aren't actually ever reported to the police. While some people do report what happened to them, overall sexual assault is under reported to police in Canada, and it has the lowest rate of reporting amongst all violent crimes, with only 6% of incidents in 2019, having come to the attention of police, only 6%. But the reasons people cite for not being able to report their essay, are also very valid. The reasons sound like the incident was dealt with in another way. 61% of people report that 50% of people deemed that it wasn't important enough to even report 50% of people also considered it to be a personal matter, or they just didn't want to get the police involved. Because only 33% of victims who did not report felt that the police could not do anything about it. We don't trust the system that is supposed to keep us safe. 18% of women believe that the police will not help them. But another 20% of victims of sexual assault, do not report the incident to police because they fear revenge by the offender. And they also seek to avoid the publicity regarding the incident. women and gender diverse people fear not being taken seriously or believed. We do not trust the police or the criminal justice system. And from a mental health perspective, some people who experience NSA are uncertain about if or what happened to them was in fact, sexual assault, especially if they knew the person who harmed them. Take another big, deep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth. I've personally felt all of those things. I have personally witnessed not only clients but friends who have struggled with the reporting system who have struggled with the police system who have struggled with being believed. I literally have a friend who Who reported SA and violence to the police? This human this man has access to weapons, and is a known violent offender. And a her and other women have reported him. And it's been a month and he is still walking on the streets. Is that why I didn't report? Is that why so many other women don't report? I'm gonna tell you, it's a big part of it. It's a really, really big part of it. Because it's hard to know what to do, how to feel, or what your options are after an essay. But please know that you are not alone. And here's what to remember if it happens to you. Firstly, your safety is important. Are you in a safe place? If you're not feeling safe, consider reaching out to someone you trust for support. You don't have to go through this alone hyper independent trauma response or not. Okay? Because secondly, what happened was not your fault. Something happened to you that you didn't want to happen, and that's not okay. Then call someone you love anyone. It's not in your best interest to be alone, or to carry this alone. And consider receiving medical attention at your nearest hospital or emergency center. Whether you choose to hold that person accountable or not. Having that having that medical reference can be really supportive if you do decide to hold that person accountable from a criminal perspective, because the idea is that we want you to consider reporting options. Justice can mean different things to different people, and reporting a crime to law enforcement is an individual decision. But many who have decided to report to law enforcement have described it as the first step in seeking justice for the crime by holding the perpetrator accountable for their actions. It may not be an easy decision to make, but it's a choice that may have a positive impact on your recovery. And if you're a friend, or a family member of someone who has recently experienced this type of assault, I also want to share with you some tools, rather some affirmative words that you can say to your friend, family member colleague, saying things like I believe you. And it took a lot of courage for you to come and tell me this. It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their story. They may feel ashamed concern that they won't be believed or worried they'll be blamed. So leave out any why questions to investigations and experts, okay, your job in that moment is just to support this person. And please be careful not to interpret calmness as a sign that the event did not occur. Everyone responds to traumatic events differently. And the best thing you can do is believe them. You can also say it's not your fault. And you didn't do anything to deserve this.

Speaker 1  34:12  
Survivors may blame themselves especially if they know the perpetrators personally, I know I had that thought run through my mind. What did I do to encourage this to make this happen? Was I not clear? I read through the text messages where I said no sex tonight, over and over and over again. I said it so many times. remind the survivor, maybe even more than once that they are not to blame. saying to them, You are not alone. I care about you and I'm here to listen or help in any way that I can let the survivor know that you were there for them and willing To listen to their story if they are comfortable sharing it, assess if there are people in their life they feel comfortable going to, and remind them that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they heal from this experience. Here in Canada, we have seen a significant increase in calls for support services and counseling programs, especially group therapy programs for men, women and children, all survivors, because the experience of sexual violence is a shadow pandemic, and we need a global collective effort to stop it. And more needs to be done to prioritize addressing violence against women and gender diverse humans. So what can you do? What can you do now? If you're listening to this, or if you just want to help? Well, firstly, you can choose to donate to your local shelters, and VA W centers with money, non perishable food and personal hygiene goods. Also my pod house the women in media Podcast Network is donating proceeds from the amplify collection to the London abused women Center here in my hometown, London, Ontario, who support women going through this type of trauma, there will be a link in the show notes for you to access that awesome merch as well. You can also start to raise men, right? Okay, let them in on the conversation. Talk to men about the experiences of women support spaces where men are safe to share their emotions, but normalize men talking about hard things, while also supporting safe spaces for women, and gender diverse humans. There's so many things that we can do. We can talk about consent, we can just listen. Doing doesn't always have to be an action. It can also just be being it can be a choice. But I appreciate all of you today. Whether you are a survivor yourself, whether you are the friend, colleague or support of a survivor, or whether you are just here to hear and witness the stories of other women, which is so important and to also learn how to take future action. There's so much here, but I thank you for listening. I thank you for tuning in. And I thank you for hearing my story with your loving and tender hearts. This wasn't an easy conversation for me. But as a necessary one, and thankfully, we are made to do hard things and I am no exception. I love you. I love me and I love what we're doing here. Big love spicy babes.